Hard to contemplate

I am finding it hard to not feel a gaping, hollow void in my heart when I think of the fact that it is Stevens Birthday. He was my younger brother, the guy who I was supposed to protect and watch out for. He was supposed to outlive me.

I know that I am whining and feeling down about it unnecessarily, it just really screws with ones heart to think "I'm not really the eldest son anymore, I am the only Son, the last son that my parents have left."

I feel terrible thinking of my parents and the emotional hammer they must be facing today. I want to be the strong and capable boy that they need. Fate or God or whomever has taken some of that away from me and my family but I at least still have some good things to offer them.

I hope that they live a very long time, because not only am I honestly saying I don't think I would make it through that in the near future but I also want to be there for them, repay the caretaker of my youth with like service.

Happy Birthday little brother, hope you're in a better place than this mire we call earth. You have earned it and Damn anyone who says othwewud