Yesterday

I had the worst headache in my life, it was all I could do to not scream from the pain. If I coughed it was pure agony. My body followed after in short order and I had major weakness and body-wide pain coming in at a high 9. Today isn't much better- I've got a headache angling at a 7 but moving upwards and balance, weakness and body-wide pain is continuing as yesterday. My intellect is suffering as well, with larger blanks in memory, confusion and improper use of words when forming sentences. My speech was more significantly compromised as well and today I'm having significant disorientation based on environmental movement- when people cross the room at a fast walk it causes extreme dizziness and light-headed responses. My headache has climbed to an 8 since I started this post. I'm also really grouchy and impatient.

So discouraging.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Monday/Tuesday

The last two days I had problems (lots) with blacking out and feeling exhausted all day long. I also have had every twenty or thirty minutes a weird "issue" where I would lose my depth perception and feel dizzy. This would also be accompanied by a pressure between my eyes that could be indicative of a sinus problem. I have also suffered from an extreme lack of focus, poor memory and my speech issues have increased again.

I fear I am getting depressed. The pain has not decreased below a 6, the weakness as well and new symptoms make life yet more frustrating. I am shorter in temper and feel overwhelmed by the various tasks I would undertake each day. It could be due to the death of Inez but I think it precedes that.

I have to admit however, that I don't know anyone who wouldn't be getting depressed after all the medical stuff alone. On top of my brother losing it the other day, resulting in a breach in my family, Inez passing and likely a slowly oncoming head/chest cold I feel like it's only natural at this point. I am considering whether or not to ask the doctor's on the 30th whether maybe medication would help but really don't believe it will.

I am very tired and frustrated. I am also so tired of writing in this because I can't remember to do it and it's a real bummer to log this crap every day.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Sunday

Sunday was hard. Half the day I was hit with body-spasms (like a strong, forceful twitch) every few minutes. Weakness was lower, at a 5-8 (now it's at it's peak as it has the last 3 hours), and pain was around a 7.5 at it's lowest and did get up to the intensity of making me rather nauseous and fighting to not pass out. The worst was the light sensitivity and with the rise of the sun, I know feel absolutely terrible.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Sleepless Irritation

I've been lying in bed over an hour. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. I can't fall asleep. My eyes burn from too little sleep. I can't fall asleep because every first minute or less I'm hit with a painful spasm or full-body twitch.

I'm at about a 7.5 and have averaged a 8.5 today. High was a ten before my nap and after lunch at Denny's.

I just want to sleep. Hold my wife. My twitch and spasms are hard enough to disturb her.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

It's 6AM

I'm sick again (light feverish feel, a burning chest, tired and bad headache). Nodded off in bed and aspirated but felt like crap before.

Pain never dropped below an 8.5 after the shower.

Chest is so tender it hurts to lie down, hurts to wear clothing and breath.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Thursday & Friday

Had lot of problems with migraine and hyper sensitivity. Pain averaged at a 7 most of the day both days. Friday I've been in extreme pain since waking up, starting at an 8 and now near a 10. I feel like I'm going to pass out and/or vomit. Due to showering for a longer time than normal.

I hate writing in this blog and my mom & Candis pointed out I'm depressed and it's showing. My response is that this should be obvious. The fact that I haven't completely lost it should be a credit to my devotion because it is terribly discouraging to be in pain 100% of the time- heavy pain for so long and have no resolution or answers coming ever. It destroys your self esteem, your hope, your livelihood, it takes away the joy you have in things you enjoy and makes those special, sweet things like holding your stepson or embracing your wife difficult as you weigh which hurts more- your heart or your body. Yeah, I'm depressed and it's getting worse. Maybe I'll eventually lose it but I'm fighting EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY and I try and hide it 100% of the time. I love you all, and that's why.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Wednesday

Got a lot done, had a lot of pain though, and it was agony to use a mouse today. Migraine was there but tolerable and weakness in the legs was off-and-on but strong when present. Later in the "day" I had a lot of problems with my thigh pain again. Also, had more speech issues today than the last week or so.

My eyes seem to be more painfully sensitive most the time now. I also seem to be having more balance issues even though weakness of the legs has been better this week than other weeks.

It's not great but better anyway.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Oh BTW

My mom asked me what level of pain I was in while at Kennecott Visitor center. I answered a 7 but it became a 8.5+ after we got up and stayed that way for a long time. Pain centralized in the torso (lower back and rib cage especially) and legs (when they didn't want to listen).

At least I could walk!
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Bed @ 6:30AM

Going to bed- weakness has persisted throughout the late evening(really early morning, midnight on), but more troublesome was severe headache. It's surprisingly painful just to look @ my BB screen right now.

Going to bed. Need to be up by noon.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Tuesday

Have been in lots of spasmodic pain all day, especially the back. My legs and arms have been prone to collapsing and several times I almost was too weak to walk. Sensitivity to light and sound continues and that's irritating at best.

Got a lot of work to do, loading computers, finishing another BB Theme.

Will be a long night. Have an appointment with a client around 2PM tomorrow.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Sunday & Monday

Didn't get to sleep til Noon Monday- was a terrible day for headaches, but was able to walk around without the cane and somewhat of a gait. Headache and sensitivity to light was stronger today, my back and torso (all of it) has hurt in larger ways all day. Got a lot done though and that was good for my confidence. Spacey as my memory is till poor and it's getting harder to remember things. Also still having coordination problems and shaking hands. Makes it tough to type. Starting to notice the wrong words are coming out in typing like "evil" when trying to type "rough" or "broken" when typing "didn't". Having the same issue with individual letters and spelling is becoming an issue.

The decay of my intellect is probably more frustrating than most of the rest as I prided my intelligence all my life. It was all that kept me from totally screwing up my life, along with my friends and family.

Emotionally I'm obviously stressed and prone to bouts of grouchy or hopelessness. But on top of that I've noticed certain minor personality changes that could be indicative of the above or could be a manifestation of my overall problem.

Hope that today goes better, have a tour with my folks if they can work it out and then dinner and a lot of work to do.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Friday & Saturday

Friday was littered with migraine and severe weakness and pain of the back and torso. My upper thighs hurt in a deep tissue way, like I'd been slammed hard by baseball bats.

Saturday: My neck has been throbbing since about 4PM and my hands shook for most the day. Was tired all day and body-wide pain was down to about a 6 although my weakness was higher some of the day. Since about 11PM I've been having confusion issues and for the last hour extreme confusion issues. I have been writing this for a long time because the words are getting really mixed up. My eyes are painfully sensitive to light. Hope tomorrow is better.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Well, it was a day

I was extremely grouchy all day and have had extreme light sensitivity and my migraine is still pretty persistent. I feel like a prick but I can't stand it and am wiped out enough to sleep and so am going to even though Desi is just getting up. I feel like I should get Dustin ready for school but I need to try and get as much rest as possible while I can because it will be a long weekend.

Pain is about an 8 right now, which is down 2 points from yesterday at this time. That's good although the migraine is making up for it in different ways.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Migraine now

Have the worst migraine I've had in some time. Candis didn't pay attention when I told her I was going to sleep as long as possible. When she woke me up 30 or so minutes ago it was to a migraine so intense that my own heartbeat is quite painful. The keys on my blackberry are like nails on my head and tactile sensitivity is extra-problematic. My legs aren't as painful but that could me masking from the migraine or just "not awake yet". Typically when I first wake up I'm in less pain and having less problems than normal even though lately less means I'm still pretty messed up.

The migraine feels like a hyper-powerful version of a headache from being upside down or a more potent headache from lack of oxygen.

I don't know but right now I can barely function.
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Yesterday/ this morning

Yesterday I was in level 10 pain from 4PM on, focalized in the legs, back and torso. Weakness and stiffness of the legs persisted throughout the day, with extreme sensitivity to light and sound.

I went to bed at 4AM and had a single incident of waking up oxygen deprived. My throat today feels anesthetized this morning, or half-frozen. I was woke up @ 7:15 A to catch a cat and take her to get spayed and get Dustin on the bus. I am still experiencing level 10 pain and am extremely grouchy because of it and the unfortunate timing of events which led me to catch a cat this morning. I was not in the proper physical condition to be doing bending, crouching, and cornering of cats. My back is now throbbing unbearably and no form of pain reliever so far has alleviated any pain throughout the entire time I've suffered through this, other than perhaps the short-term effectiveness of Lyrica which moderated the weakness enough to make partial work possible for a short time.

I am going back to sleep after Dustin gets on the bus. I have client's parts arriving today but will need to be able to focus while assembling and loading his computer. I can barely focus on this as the pain I am currently in is impairing every activity I perform at the time.


-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

It happened again

4 times I was almost asleep and was woke up to my body being oxygen deprived and having my to force myself to breathe again.

While this may be sleep apnea I have doubts as I wasn't fully asleep every time it has happened and I don't honestly know if sleep apnea occurs when you're not fully asleep.

I have a headache from hell that's making even my neck hurt, the sun is god-awful painful and I've already had one major speech block-up so far. Gonna be a great day as the one day Candis needs me on my game I'm broken more than normal. I'm also in a really grouchy, dark mood because I hurt so bad and because I'm terribly discouraged. This crap is gonna kill me sooner than later at the rate it's working now.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Tuesday

I only got a few hours of sleep and now I cannot sleep even though I'm very tired. I'm nervous for Candis. My body has been in significant pain all day, and the strong spasms (body part mainly but also the little pinpricks of specially localized pain) have been much stronger and frequent. Each time they occur there's significantly intensified hyper sensitivity to light and sound for several hours.

Anyway, my back is screaming and my legs feel painfully bruised and the joints pulse with ache. I'm going to sleep hopefully and I hope I don't have the same problems I had tuesday morning.

My sleep during the day was unrestful and when I woke I was really grouchy. It felt like I hadn't slept at all, just blacked out or something.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Scared as hell after sleeping

So I went to bed around 5:30, got to sleep (the first time) around 6:30 after the pain let me relax enough to drop off. If it hadn't been for Candis's comforting presence it would have been much later in the morn because of the slowly increasing persistent pain and other issues.

I had just dropped into the early sleep stage, where dreams start to form when I woke up, gasping and feeling like I was smothered and was waking up from it. My head pounded from oxygen dep and I know something was inhibiting my body's ability to breathe and it wasn't asthma, which is very different. My mom pointed out I could have pneumonia and not know it but this has happened several times over the last month plus so I don't know how likely that is. This happened at least 10 times that I could recollect in the hour or two I slept.

I theorize it could be some rather dangerous form of sleep apnea but I'm not really sure I believe it, just playing devil's advocate against my own primary theory. My primary theory is that it's just like my legs or arms, that my own mental commands (conscious or otherwise) aren't always being transmitted properly out of the brain/spine and my lungs stop working because of that.

I hope and pray my appointment on the 30th is the miracle we've been waiting for because if this starts happening regularly I fear it will lead to permanent brain damage due to oxygen deprivation leading to cell death. I don't know if it has any heavily threatening lethal dangers at this point but I really don't want to find out either.

Dustin is sick and my wife is having surgery tomorrow so I may slack on this a day or so. It seems harder to do this. Probably because it sucks talking about this stuff every day, makes you feel like you can never escape it. I'm going to try and be good, for medical documentation anyway.


-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Oops yesterday, today

Yesterday stunk (Sunday) for most of the day. Have been having lots of constant pain in my legs, more and more spasms and sharp pains. Light sensitivity increased, focus and memory decreased. Confusion is up a little too maybe.

Anyway, the same was with Monday, I'm going to try again & sleep in case Dustin stays home sick. Either way I have therapy @ 1 so I need some sleep. So damn hard to do it though with all the bother.

BTW, drinking Mtn Dew again but real slow drinking maybe half (more like less) the volume. I didn't notice the difference and my headaches were kicking my ass.

:) sorry those who are anti-Dew.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Dreaming but...

If the "Force" were for real I could really rock as a Sith due to the pain, anger and hate this crap generates. Too bad, it'd be awesome to be able to use some of that stuff. I could jump-start just about any car out there and never need to charge my Blackberry...
-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

So since 4:30

I've been lying in bed, my legs screaming like they've been broken and my body getting hit with "shocks" every 5-10min. THIS IS WHY IT'S SO HARD TO SLEEP!!!

The shocks are also usually intro acts to a strong jerk. Feels like I'm trying to break my own neck it's so powerful. Jars the hell out of my neck and head, making my headache more fun than it already is.

Enough whining. Try for another hour to sleep I guess.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Saturday

Pain and Weakness seemed to persist as yesterday but slightly less intense. Sensitivity to Light and reactions to sudden movement was greater, causing pain in the former and the latter leaving me disoriented. My headache and grouchiness was strong and irritating all day long and my ability to focus was reduced the first few hours I was awake, again slowing my progress in my excel work. I also obviously had some problems with basic problem solving and math as many of my formulas had "stupid" errors. I had slightly less pain after 10PM, and some weakness also receeded, although my light sensitivity grew worse throughout the day.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Friday

Was in a lot of pain, weakness, basically like Thursday but with the additions of a headache, greater irritability and more balance issues. Lost balance a lot. Focus and memory sucked today too. Took me 3x as long to work on simple excel formulas because I had to look up the formulas and the references each time.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Waking Up Friday

My balance still sucks, my arms and legs are weak and my headache is more prominent than normal. Coordination is about like yesterday (it's not so good). And so far I've misspelled four words in this brief post, where I normally don't misspell words at all. I'm a compulsive speller.

Anyway, that's that. Just barely got up so these may change...

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Space cadet

To complete yesterday:

I was in a lot of pain all day, weakness stunk after therapy, balance was bad too. Confusion and memory problems. Pain was a 8 overall, weakness & collapsing a 7-8, balance a 6 and mental issues was a 5. Remember the higher the number the worse the problem.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Post-Therapy Report

Had MAJOR problems with uncontrollable shaking of the arms during therapy, also had significant problems during therapy with my body not responding to mental commands. My right hip/side was a screaming 9-10 and still is. I'm also having confusion problems bad right now, did during therapy too (blanking, forgetting what I'm doing, getting lost in where I'm supposed to be going/what I'm doing). I'd say it's a 6, which is bad. Also having hand coordination issues (can barely type right now) and problems spelling (significant for me, I'm having to think out "problems").

I am also in a lot of pain all around and am tired and nauseous. The tired is from low amount of sleep.

Suck. Was happy when last couple days were better...

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Oops (forgot to submit before bed)

Yesterday was great for weakness in the legs, coordination stunk and upper arm weakness was also worse at a 6 steady most the day. Balance issues persisted with a lot of tripping. Pain was low the majority of the day but around 10PM it spiked from a 4 to a 6 and at around 3AM it jumped to a 7.5.

Memory and confusion has been worse, though speech wasn't as bad as other days. One thing of note is that I've been pulling more faces (involuntary).

Anyway, I don't know what else to say. Oh, focus SUCKED yesterday. Got to bed around 7:15AM.

Woke up (at therapy) and my legs are weak (7) and my body-wide pain is a 5 with the high areas being my right leg and ribs peaking at 8 right now. Neck is higher at a 6.
Arms are weaker too, a 6 or so, eyes burning. Making faces and so far really forgetful w/ reduced focus and problems w/ confusion (following conversations). Hands hurt like hell at a high 7.

Hope therapy is gentle.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Tuesday

I woke up with my head playing drums for me. My headache was a 5 or 6 until the afternoon, at which about 6PM or so when it became aggravated and became a 8. It stayed that way most of the rest of the evening and for sure made me less patient and more likely to grouch on people. My balance has stunk today as well. I've counted 9 times today where I've tripped over something and either nearly fallen or fallen. I twanged my back with one of theme, as I got up from my computer to tell Kadee to go home.

My back and legs have stiffened in the last 5 or so hours, more the since 2AM. They are being stubborn and don't want to bend, or will only cooperate when bending at odd and "robotic" angles. The one consolation I guess is that if I stand for any length of time my back starts doing it's rubber-band back arching thing. It is still stiff when sitting down, and screams in any posture, especially since 2...

Coordination has been OK, nothing more nasty than a 5 and memory/focus/concentration was better today, but after dinner it kinda went to crap. I spent an hour and a half messing with Google Docs trying to do some really simple things. This is why I wouldn't want to be making life-critical decisions in a job right now. "Let's see, which one of these syringes do I give the patient? I know one's a pain killer, one's an antibiotic and the other a heart medicine. The patient has severe allergies to pain killers... I'll take the blue one since I can't remember what the jargon on the sides means..."

Ok, so maybe it wasn't that bad today but some days it is.

Oh, one more thing, having more of the talking gibberish thing happening. Since the first really noticeable one, I've noticed at least one or so every day. Don't know what that's all about but I bet when people hear it they must think I'm either drunk or messing around...

G'night. Gonna smoke and sleep. Get to go to Steve's B-Day tonight and then prolly sleep over at my mom's so I can go to a painfully early Physical Therapy @ 10.


-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Better today

Gives me a little hope. Strength was better in legs and arms and pain in legs was far less problematic after therapy than expected. Headache was outstandingly painful all day and confusion was still present and troublesome. Back and head hurts the most right now @ 5AM, coming in at a 7 and a 8 respectively. The headache is significant enough to impair intellectually complicated tasks. Happy to have a slightly better day.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

This morning

Woke up and lower back is on fire (6 minimum, much walking/standing/sitting at all spikes it to a 7.5). Left side hurts like hell (like I've been running a long time). Left ankle aches (4). Headache started it's day strongly at a 5 the moment I opened my eyes. Jaw aches probably from teeth-clenching in the night. Also, lost time last night between 5-6 (but thankfully my phone let me know I was writing up my last entry, god bless blackberries).

On way to therapy and my headache spiked to a 7 just before Mom showed up and after busting my ass out to my car the bottom of my right foot is on fire.

Therapy will probably Rock my world in a miserable way but maybe I'll get lucky.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

All in All Today

I was afflicted with strong headaches in the left lobe of my brain multiple times. These were almost like spasms as they lasted only a few minutes each. I can't quite recall how many but it was definitely more than six. Probably near 10.

My left knee has throbbed all day and my headache never receded. My left ankle also has hurt for the last six hours.

My mom wants me to post all the things I've experienced that are possible symptoms since this January 28th 2009. Here's an imperfect list. Note that items marked with a + are common issues. Those marked with a # are daily issues and those unmarked are uncommon occurrences.

Strong migraines lasting for days.+
Collapsing muscles in limbs especially but also in the torso and neck.#
Long-lasting sharp pain in left or right hip bones.+
Involuntary, subtle Head-nodding.#
Significant coordination loss in fingers and hands.#
Painful tactile sensitivity.#
Painful light sensitivity.#
Painful sound sensitivity.+/#
Reduced sense of smell.+
Reduced focus.#
Short-Term Memory loss.#
Long-Term Memory loss.+
Short-Term Confusion (inability to comprehend a sentence or concept).+
Issues speaking (getting stuck on a word or sound).+
Issues Speaking (speaking complete Gibberish) - note this has occurred for years for a few moments after a strong orgasm.
Inability to swallow.+
Reduced sense of taste.#
Spastic pain in the eyes.#
Dryness of mouth.+
Over-salivation of mouth.+
Extremely painful finely localized spasms of short-term piercing/burning pain (anywhere in the body, including the center of the eye).#
Extremely painful generally localized spasms of short-term crushing/throbbing/piercing pain followed by hour or days of painful tactile sensitivity and tenderness (particularly in the ribs or upper thighs).#
Knitting muscles that remain "balled" for hours/days.#
Multiple interruptions in sleep due to severe nightmares.# - Note I have had a 24 year history of severely graphic and particularly terrible nightmares.
Interruptions in sleep due to falling half-asleep and waking up with a severe headache due to oxygen deprivation and full-body numbness -(like my whole body fell asleep).
Interruptions in sleep due to falling half-asleep and waking up unable to move limbs, neck, head or torso and unable to breathe. +
Dryness of eyes.#
Feeling pulse in my eyes.+
Feeling pulse in left/right or both lobes of brain.(Near) #
Numbness in hands, feet and/or ankles.+
The feeling of fever.+
Rapid heartbeat while resting.#
Itching in the throat.+
The smell of ammonia when I shower.#
Feet are overly moist and susceptible to injury or sores due to friction due to weakened skin on feet. #
Feet smell of dead flesh.#
Whole body jerking/twitching when laying down to sleep.#
Strong twitching in arms, hands, neck, legs.#
Spasms of the eye muscles/upper cheeks (one side only).#
Pulsing ache in feet, ankles and/or thighs.#
The false sensation of partially caught food in throat for several minutes.#
Popping muscles in neck, shoulders, back when rolling shoulders/neck.(Can do almost this anytime)#
Pressure in chest/sternum (like weight on chest).#
Extreme tactile sensitivity of chest/rib area causing pain when touched or in contact with blankets, clothes.# -(always active)
The feeling of electricity/fire running up spine along the outer edges of the cord. #
Muscles (any) that do not respond to mental commands.#
Intensified pain due to physical activity/movement that can lead to light-headedness, nausea and blackouts.#
Loss of apetite.+
Inappropriate Emotional reactions (crying easily for no reason or uncontrollable rage when stubbing toe) - note this isn't bi-polar related as it occurs whatever mood I happen to be in and the mood present prior to this response is retained.+
Changes in personality (lost interest in integral personality motivators).+
Inability to think creatively.+
Emotional-overreactions to insignificant comments to others due to reduced focus or confusion.+
Severe depression.+
Reduced Empathy/Sympathy or an impaired sense of value for other people or things. +
Reduced 'spiritual' sensitivity.

There's more but I can't remember any more and my hands are asleep (completely numb).

Have a good day. I'm sure my therapist will kick my ass today. It sucks that lifting your leg straight hurts so much you almost pass out.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Update

For the last 1-2 hours my right knee has been throbbing and my spine from hips up to the base of my neck feels like it has metal splinters embedded in each segment.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Less than 20 minutes

It actually took about 5 steps outside the bedroom for my headache to spike back to it's typical grade 7-8 performance. For variety today it's on the very top of my head, near my crown. My back worked it's magic and is at a 7 and my body is starting to wake up with that on-fire feeling that's really obnoxious. It's moving up the scale. Apparently I said I was getting on the computer to Candis, but have absolutely no memory of saying it less than 5 minutes ago. Candis thinks I'm grouchy, maybe I am but I'm really just not awake yet. I wasn't talking to her but I didn't hear her questions, they didn't even register. Great day for focus and memory. I can already tell on that one.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Woke Up at 2:45

Right Leg aches, throat is sore, eyes burn as normal when I wake up. We'll see how walking and stuff is here in a minute....

Got up, got dressed. Leg weakness is 6, leg pain is 6. Arm weakness is 4, Arm Pain is 7. The weakness in my torso is probably a 3, pain in torso/chest is 5 right now but give it 20 minutes before I'll know the real levels. My left wrist hurts like I smacked the bottom of it, right where the outside bone is about 4 inches below the joint. Don't know why but it's an 8 at the moment.

Good morning. Well, an ok morning. I have a strong hunch that in about an hour a bunch of those levels will change. You can tell sometimes.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Not like Jelly

My body feels the same way it would if your leg was asleep from loss of circulation. My entire body has that feeling and it's really distracting and irritating.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

WAS asleep (ish)

Nodded off for a few minutes, started having some kind of dream involving my folks camper and people shooing arrows at me, my brother and a couple people huddling in the dark. Wasn't fully asleep because I was somewhat lucid. Woke up a minute or two before Desi's blasted alarm went off @ 6AM. My head was/is pounding from oxygen deprivation and my nose and throat feel like they're half under from anesthesia or laughing gas and my eyes are literally throbbing. Head hurts like hell, body feels all kinds of weird (like it's half jelly or something.

On an unrelated note, Candis and the kids are big holiday people. I'm not. I never thought I'd be woke up @ 6AM (even though I was awake) by kids to see what the easter bunny brought (I want that damn bunny, he must be made of gold with all the stuff he got them.)

I find it darkly amusing that so many christians are having a christian easter and their breakfast will be easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. What they're blind to is the fact that they are using pagan traditions and symbols to celebrate the resurrection of their savior. Ostara (aka Easter) was a pagan goddess of fertility, child-bearing and spring and her symbols were the hare and the egg. The egg to represent a woman's womb and the rabbit for it's breeding capabilities. The spring festivals gave worship to her but when christianity conquered most of the pagans they decided to distort the traditional celebration by throwing jesus waking up in a cave after hanging around too long. I suppose I'm christian and could be pagan but a day is a day and a lie is a lie. Are the christians bad pagans or bad christians? The world may never know and I don't care. But I laugh at the irony of it. People make this day so important because of their faith, but the meaning behind the day is distorted by hundred-year old methods of forcibly converting a conquered people.

Of course the day could have meaning because it inspires faith, but then again any day and every day should be able to do that.

I know... I'm going to hell. I always knew I was and have not attempted to deceive myself on that fact for many years now. I also know that Candis loves spoiling the kids on holidays. Which is why we got up @ 6AM to see what some made-of-gold bunny dropped off.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Another note

My back was a screaming 8 before I got in bed. I just got up to piss and due to balance issues half-fell on the way back, which would make it higher. Legs are a flat 3 most of the day but walking long distances or on stairs made it a 5, arms (not the hurt parts from cleaning Candis's car) were about a 2 and the injured back, neck, shoulder, biceps were a 5 most of the day. The back was made worse through the days activities and trying to get out Coloring books for Maddy.

I am so sick of not being able to sleep and getting my wife pissed off because of it. I wish she could understand that day/night doesn't matter- I can't sleep or I really can't sleep or I'm so exhausted that I can crash, usually the first two. I know she wants me to be a day person. I do too because I'm missing my life and family moments because of this shit. I didn't ask to be this way and I'm working damn hard just to keep pushing along with my happy face and pretend I'm not sick to death of being broken and penniless. I would drop the fake-ness but no one wants to be around someone who's miserable, not even the guy who's miserable. Besides, sometimes I can fake it enough that I can believe in it for a while.


-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Meaning of losing time

By my definition (I don't care what other definitions it could be) - I mean that when I look at the clock at 4AM I have no clear recollection of what I did between the start time. I was doing something on the computer. I know because I shut it down to go to sleep and then turned it back on.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Bad Sleep Schedule

I'm going to bed at 5AM and that's because I lost time and can't seem to solidify a sleeping pattern of any kind. BTW, to make sleep more fun I have had over a dozen incidents in the past three weeks where I'm almost asleep and then I have the nasty feeling of being paralyzed or stuck out of my body. It feels like I'm on the other side of an iced over lake. I can't breathe and my heart rate slows to the point that I can't feel it (which is normally easy since my head is my heart's drum all day long). I have to force every ounce of will into me to get me to breathe, move my arms/legs/etc.

Once that happens it breaks it. Scary as hell. Same kind of problem I have with the rest of my body sometimes though- It just doesn't listen.

-Andy-
"Life is Worth Dying For"

Easter Sunday

I haven't slept yet since the Easter Egg hunt so this is for Saturday.
I woke up after about 7 hours of 'physical time' sleeping (aka 6AM to 1PM ish) and practical time was closer to 3 or 4. Riddled with terrible dreams and pain. Biceps, lower left and right back, left shoulder, neck are still painful and tender. Walking was better today, eyes more light sensitive, new kind of pressure on forehead, like wearing a hat too tight in the front. Headache all day, tired all day, extremely grouchy all day with rage bubbling just beneath the surface with no cause other than pain and being sick of being broke and being tired. Dreams could provide that kind of rage too. Speech was OK, concentration and focus sucked. Still having issues with lost time (for example, lost 2 hours of time tonight, between 2AM and 4AM.)

Weakness in arms is ok, hands more so. Typing on my computer or BB was hard today.

Tired of playing nice with people. Doctors, bill collectors, etc. The truth hurts and I felt like I've been stepped on by God, the Medical community and the civilized society we live in. I am less depressed, getting into that angry stage. Have enough reasons.
-Drew-